words used wrong, part the first

I know, I know! I went away! I'm really sorry. I blame it on Thanksgiving, during which THERE IS FOOTBALL. I don't know if you knew this, but I went for 39 years part actually-not-knowing-that and part actually-forgetting-that-I-had-learned that, so when I actually experienced it for real it took a little time to sink in.

Like, all day, there are games.

{shakes head in confusion}


But then I had to come back, if only to warm up my typing muscles for My First Basketball Game. It is going to be Philadelphia against someone! And I'm in Portland, so that someone is the Blazers! Which is short for the "Trail Blazers," which I am very much hoping is the name of the team because Lewis & Clark blazed a trail back in the day. Philadelphia's team, Google tells me, is called the 76ers, which I assume is short for the "1776ers" because Philadelphia is (understandably) a little focused on our national identity. I used to work catty-corner from the Liberty Bell and across the street from Independence Hall, so I know these things.

In other words, it's the battle of two Historically Relevant Shortened names! It's gonna get REAL.
And I may live-blog it, if technology stays in my court (ha! court!), so...stay tuned. That's tomorrow night.

But today I want to talk about sporting terms I have been apparently misusing* for my entire adult life. I'm going to take the liberty of assuming that it's going to be a series.

1. I've just today learned that one does not "pitch-hit" for someone else. One "pinch-hits."
   First of all, I find that impossible to say or type; I've just mis-typed it four times as "pinch-hints." (That's what you do when the seasoning is off in your hostess' meal.)
   But more importantly, "pitch" is both a sportier term than "pinch" and also MAKES SENSE, given that what one hits IS a pitch. Not a pinch. (Unless you're me and my little brother.)
   
   This led me to wonder what other terms I've probably used incorrectly. The first that came to mind are as follows:
   
2. "Drat! Foiled again!" I've historically said this while twirling my waxed mustache to indicate that my evil plan has been thwarted, when, upon further reflection, it is obviously a fencing reference. As in, "Drat! Someone hit me with an epee!**"
3. "Batter up!" In my house, this is borrowed from diner/grandmother parlance to indicate that we're ready to make the pancakes if you're ready to eat the pancakes. When in fact, for the sporting types among us, it means that someone in baseball is ready to raise their "bat" "up."*** 
4. "Walk." Where I grew up (full disclosure: Albuquerque), this was something one did to one's dog. Where sports fans grew up, it was yet another baseball term. 
5. I think this post is mostly about baseball. That was inadvertent!
6. Dammit. That ^ wasn't actually a word I used incorrectly. It was really just a sidenote. Now you're going to think I misused five terms when in fact it was only four, so far.
7. SHIT.
8. Everybody stay calm. I'm going to just go ahead and list four other terms here, right now, and then we'll be caught up, so that when I start the next series at #9 it will be accurate. Gosh.
   Sports writing is really challenging.
   Luckily, all I need to do is Google "sports terms" to get this ball rolling. (Don't even get me STARTED on how almost all male-dominated sports are played with at least one "ball.")
   a) I take a "cue" either on stage or when it turns out that I've accidentally bothered someone and can only tell because of subtle body language, when in fact, the word refers to a long stick one uses to poke balls in pool/billiards.
   b) "Cricket" is something I feed to my daughter's gecko, when in fact, it is also a game that uses mostly baseball terminology but is played with English accents.
   c) "Garbage time," is what happens in the evening on Thursdays when my alarm dings to remind me to take out the trash before the trashmen come early Friday. BUT, like all words I use, it turns out to have a sports meaning. Research indicates that, in fact, it is to a sporting event what "lame duck" is to a presidency...the time when the outcome of the game has already been decided and continuing to show up is really just something you do because everyone expects it. (In sports, you put in your worst players. In politics, you keep everyone right where they are.)
   d) At my house, a "time-out" is what happens when a small child did something very, very bad. If said child continues to misbehave, she may then suffer a "penalty," which is a loss of a privilege. In sports, they give you a pass on that first one (a "time-out" does not mean anything has been done wrong...just that you'd like your sports fans to get to bed a little later) and go directly to the "penalty," which is usually something along the lines of not getting to play anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, that's also usually what happens to my daughter. 

There we go! Whew! I think we're caught up. See you here tomorrow for the live-blogging of what I'm sure is going to be a fabulous game played by very tall men during which I will be escorted by three extremely patient grown-ups who know more about sports than I do. 

*Sometimes I also talk about sports terms that have been misused. In this case, I think the onus is on me.

**Which I've historically mispelled in my head as "epi," as in, "Did you put peanuts in this? Better go get his epee-pen."
***Shush. I don't want to hear it. I think this is a perfectly valid interpretation.