super predictions

This morning's transcript:

Bill: Big games today!

Me: Oh, my. Are you ready? 

(Subtext: Have you been practicing?)

Bill: So, who do you pick for the Super Bowl?

Me: Well, what are my choices?

Bill: Well, there's New England at Denver and San Francisco at Seattle.

Me: ok...

Bill: (something I can't remember about two quarterbacks)

Me: Right. And John Elway is NOT playing, you say? 

(Subtext: I would have voted for him.)

Bill: Well, no. By virtue of having been retired for ten years, he is not going to play. He's going to sit this one out.

Me: OK, which of those guys did I feel like looked less full of himself?

Bill: You said that about Peyton Manning. 

(Subtext: I disagree with your choice.)

Me: And who is he with?

Bill: (sighs) Denver.

Me: Well then, I think Denver vs. Seattle.

Gamblers: take your places! There will be TV on today!

My First Basketball Game

6:48: It is ON, my friends. I have successfully located my sports-savvy friends, passed through security, found the escalator (harder than you would think), and am safely settled in a Box. In sports, that's a good thing: you get your own bathroom, coat hangers, and non-manned bar. Plus extra seats and a delightful view. Also, seemingly a soundtrack. I have only been to a few sporting events, but that is one of the more surprising things: pop music...constantly. And lights. If I were prone to strokes, I'd find sports to be a challenge. Now, let's see if the wifi is working.

6:58 Sports also has trucks! Or, one truck. And it FLIES!!! It's like Harry Potter up in here.

7:00 Game Ball Delivery is a thing. The ball is delivered from Muggle to Muggle, escorted by a scantily-clad lass.

7:04 We begin, as all basketball games do, with dimmed lights and the muted (seriously) sound of trombones playing the national anthem.

7:15, sorry, delay. Just got some amazing news having to do with a different sport, so was sidetracked.

We are losing.

7:34 First quarter is over and we are still losing. One of my sports savvy friends suggested I take notes and blog at breaks so as to more fully experience. So I dropped a book on his head. (Seriously, but it was accidental.) oops.

My thoughts to date:

No irony in those mini slo-mo movies of the players, huh?

Why is the mascot a wildcat instead of Lewis & Clark?

BlazerDancers. All around the video-ring^tm. Are they real? Is it a video? More research on this is needed. I sensed no irony, so probably a video.

Someone has a sign that loudly proclaims LUNCH MEAT. Why?

There are 4 12-min quarters, so we should be all done 36 minutes from now, eh?

7:51 Time-out, Portland!

That's not enough time in which to update.

Half-time, so time to write up thoughts from the second quarter.

We are not winning, which surprised me because I think we are very good. Bill said there is a famous quote about this, which is, "That's why they play the game." (Source unknown)

Where is the ice? Last time I was here they were playing hockey.

There's another famous sports quote that even I knew: "The taller they are, the harder they fall."

That quote is about basketball. Ouch, man from Philadelphia.

There are binoculars attached to the seats! I thought one of my friends just brought his own!

Inflatable cats came out to dance: I kid you not. Will update with pics when I have a stronger signal.

Basketball players as a whole have more hair than I expected.

Mo Williams is NOT the same person as Mo Willems. I know who Mo Willems is; Bill knows who Mo Williams is.

They are selling red aprons. For those who want to blaze a new trail in the kitchen. I should write marketing copy for sports. (Call me.)

Halftime: extended dancing by dedicated and practiced audience members. I'm curious about this phenomenon. 

And why no BlazerDancers at halftime? In football that's when the SCLs make their appearance. Here they are just on the video-ring. I think they are CGI'ed.

8:48 Third quarter over. I admit to missing most of it because I got the chance to talk to someone I never see and absolutely adore, so she and I squeeed at each other for a long while. I am NOT bad luck when I'm not paying attention, as evidenced by the current score: 78-75, us.

BlazerDancers came out after the third quarter (they read my blog) and they are WEARING LESS now. Bill said to wait and see what happens if we go into extra innings.

9:07 Well, I payed attention and we are losing again. I'm so sorry, Portland. 

However, the Dancers put on their skirts again. Maybe they put in more clothes when we are losing, as a mourning process?

Update: Bill answered this for me. Those girls with the skirts are the stunt team, not the Dancers. Silly kids, skirts are for stunts!

9:12 I'm not judging here, but the screen spells "defense," "d-fense," so...

9:14 TIED!

9:15 The board is spelling it right now. My readership is HUGE.

9:17 I have tested this and I am super bad luck when I pay attention. I am no longer watching. This is for your safety. 1:16 remaining 

22.5 remaining. I peeked out of one eye and we are down one.

I stood up and now we are down 4. You know how people say, "Everytime you ____, _____ kills a ______?" Well, everyone time Kelley pays attention, the opposing team kills the Blazers."

9:37 We lost: chalupa minus one to chalupa plus one. Sad emoticon.

words used wrong, part the first

I know, I know! I went away! I'm really sorry. I blame it on Thanksgiving, during which THERE IS FOOTBALL. I don't know if you knew this, but I went for 39 years part actually-not-knowing-that and part actually-forgetting-that-I-had-learned that, so when I actually experienced it for real it took a little time to sink in.

Like, all day, there are games.

{shakes head in confusion}


But then I had to come back, if only to warm up my typing muscles for My First Basketball Game. It is going to be Philadelphia against someone! And I'm in Portland, so that someone is the Blazers! Which is short for the "Trail Blazers," which I am very much hoping is the name of the team because Lewis & Clark blazed a trail back in the day. Philadelphia's team, Google tells me, is called the 76ers, which I assume is short for the "1776ers" because Philadelphia is (understandably) a little focused on our national identity. I used to work catty-corner from the Liberty Bell and across the street from Independence Hall, so I know these things.

In other words, it's the battle of two Historically Relevant Shortened names! It's gonna get REAL.
And I may live-blog it, if technology stays in my court (ha! court!), so...stay tuned. That's tomorrow night.

But today I want to talk about sporting terms I have been apparently misusing* for my entire adult life. I'm going to take the liberty of assuming that it's going to be a series.

1. I've just today learned that one does not "pitch-hit" for someone else. One "pinch-hits."
   First of all, I find that impossible to say or type; I've just mis-typed it four times as "pinch-hints." (That's what you do when the seasoning is off in your hostess' meal.)
   But more importantly, "pitch" is both a sportier term than "pinch" and also MAKES SENSE, given that what one hits IS a pitch. Not a pinch. (Unless you're me and my little brother.)
   
   This led me to wonder what other terms I've probably used incorrectly. The first that came to mind are as follows:
   
2. "Drat! Foiled again!" I've historically said this while twirling my waxed mustache to indicate that my evil plan has been thwarted, when, upon further reflection, it is obviously a fencing reference. As in, "Drat! Someone hit me with an epee!**"
3. "Batter up!" In my house, this is borrowed from diner/grandmother parlance to indicate that we're ready to make the pancakes if you're ready to eat the pancakes. When in fact, for the sporting types among us, it means that someone in baseball is ready to raise their "bat" "up."*** 
4. "Walk." Where I grew up (full disclosure: Albuquerque), this was something one did to one's dog. Where sports fans grew up, it was yet another baseball term. 
5. I think this post is mostly about baseball. That was inadvertent!
6. Dammit. That ^ wasn't actually a word I used incorrectly. It was really just a sidenote. Now you're going to think I misused five terms when in fact it was only four, so far.
7. SHIT.
8. Everybody stay calm. I'm going to just go ahead and list four other terms here, right now, and then we'll be caught up, so that when I start the next series at #9 it will be accurate. Gosh.
   Sports writing is really challenging.
   Luckily, all I need to do is Google "sports terms" to get this ball rolling. (Don't even get me STARTED on how almost all male-dominated sports are played with at least one "ball.")
   a) I take a "cue" either on stage or when it turns out that I've accidentally bothered someone and can only tell because of subtle body language, when in fact, the word refers to a long stick one uses to poke balls in pool/billiards.
   b) "Cricket" is something I feed to my daughter's gecko, when in fact, it is also a game that uses mostly baseball terminology but is played with English accents.
   c) "Garbage time," is what happens in the evening on Thursdays when my alarm dings to remind me to take out the trash before the trashmen come early Friday. BUT, like all words I use, it turns out to have a sports meaning. Research indicates that, in fact, it is to a sporting event what "lame duck" is to a presidency...the time when the outcome of the game has already been decided and continuing to show up is really just something you do because everyone expects it. (In sports, you put in your worst players. In politics, you keep everyone right where they are.)
   d) At my house, a "time-out" is what happens when a small child did something very, very bad. If said child continues to misbehave, she may then suffer a "penalty," which is a loss of a privilege. In sports, they give you a pass on that first one (a "time-out" does not mean anything has been done wrong...just that you'd like your sports fans to get to bed a little later) and go directly to the "penalty," which is usually something along the lines of not getting to play anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, that's also usually what happens to my daughter. 

There we go! Whew! I think we're caught up. See you here tomorrow for the live-blogging of what I'm sure is going to be a fabulous game played by very tall men during which I will be escorted by three extremely patient grown-ups who know more about sports than I do. 

*Sometimes I also talk about sports terms that have been misused. In this case, I think the onus is on me.

**Which I've historically mispelled in my head as "epi," as in, "Did you put peanuts in this? Better go get his epee-pen."
***Shush. I don't want to hear it. I think this is a perfectly valid interpretation.