the basics of golf

I spent the night in lovely Klamath Falls, OR, for work, where my hotel room offered a view of a golf course. If tennis is where the pretty people go to play sports, golf is where the rich people go.

Luckily, Klamath Falls appears to be largely uninhabited, so you can get a view of a golf course for only $95 per night, which as any traveling salesperson will tell you, is a deal and a half. Take that, rich people! I'm all UP in your game.

**sidebar: That's called "trash talking." In sports, that's what you do to sound bad-ass when you're short on limited syllables. "Trash talking" should include emphasis for additional attitude, as I've indicated with all-caps above.**

So, golf is a sport! I've been researching this for you.

As any rich person knows, it's important to make sure that you have hired other people to do your activity; that's how you know you're rich. In golf, the activities to choose from are: staring hard into the distance, swinging a metal pole, carrying said metal pole, and walking. Most rich people contract out at least one of those activities...typically the carrying of the poles, which is done by a younger and/or less-well-off person, termed a "caddie."

(Typically a "caddie" is not actually a "cad." That role is saved for the actual golfer. I know. This can be really hard to understand. You might want to print this out.)

Golfers will also use additional resources to avoid the last activity mentioned: walking. It's replaced with sitting, in a motorized cart.

**sidebar: If you want to be good at sports, regardless of your socio-economic class, it's important to practice sitting. Most players sit at some point or another: in golf, it is on a moving vehicle, but in other sports it's typically on an aptly named "bench."**

In golf, the pole is called a "club," because cavemen carried clubs, and this is the modern equivalent. I know that sounds really manly, and it is, which is why women who play golf are not to be messed with. If you see a woman playing golf who does not appear to be aware of the club's original purpose, it is a dead-giveaway that she is a-hunting (that term, "club, is appropriate in this context, too!) for a rich mate.

Golf is rife with complexities, including that a golf "pro" is actually NOT a professional golfer. Again, I know: SO COMPLICATED. But that's why I'm here. To help.