Yet another Cinderella story

I know. It’s been a while. The thing is, I discovered that to write weekly about sports required regular conversations about sports, and I became passionate enough about those conversations not to want to waste time writing of them, for that interfered with my enjoyment of the sport itself. (Which sport? Don’t pry. Even public figures, bloggers such as myself, deserve some modicum of privacy. Good lord, people.)

But, I digress. I'm logged in today to explain to you the event known as the World Series.

The World Series, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is when we (and by “we,” I mean, “us”) get the opportunity to play against the other best team in the World for a final decisive answer to the age-old sports question, “which of us deserves bragging rights, and a place in the history books?”

How does the World Series stack up against the Miss Universe pageant, you ask? Well, I’m not going to lie; it doesn’t have universal appeal, per se, but you should take solace in knowing that the entire World (from east coast to west, as well as Alaska and Hawaii) does tune in.

The best case scenario for a World Series is if a story emerges. We’d call it a “story” if the last time one of the teams was successful was the days of legwarmers and Madonna, and if they had nonetheless continued to play the sport…against all odds and with, frankly, not much reason to live…since then. Dedication to the art of sports, even when one isn’t as good at it as everyone else, is a hallmark of the event. Entire cities sometimes remain loyal to their home team for generations, even when there is no good reason to do so. See: Chicago.

Such was the case this year, the year of fourteen and two thousand, in which Kansas City* rose to prominence with an unprecedented winning streak, propelling them into the forefront of the national World imagination. Should such a thing happen, it’s best if this historically-less-good team is eventually pitted against the Goliath of the sport, so as to provide a contest of epic proportions. This sort of a “Cinderella story”—so-called because it takes place in October, the official month of pumpkins—is the dream of all of those who (like me) cover sports.

Since the World Series is best when it lasts for as long as possible, what typically happens is that the lesser team will somehow continue to battle furiously against the better team, until it all comes down to the game of sevens (seven being a lucky number greater than three) in which there is no choice but to have a victor eventually emerge at the end of the night. As in all great Cinderella stories, the lesser team will be “down one” (another sports term!, this time for the drinking game that all adherents play at home) at a critical juncture in the game and will remain in that position until they finally, goaded on by legions of fans standing in front of their televisions, overcome at the last minute to first tie the score and then, eventually, win.

I admit that there’s a certain inevitability to the structure of a Cinderella story, one that means that, as in the case of this World Series, I don’t even need to watch it to know how it ends.

I know what you’re thinking, but don’t be fooled! The founders of our great nation World built in a few miscues such as these, designed to fool schoolchildren. Kansas City is in Missouri. You're welcome.

words used wrong, part the first

I know, I know! I went away! I'm really sorry. I blame it on Thanksgiving, during which THERE IS FOOTBALL. I don't know if you knew this, but I went for 39 years part actually-not-knowing-that and part actually-forgetting-that-I-had-learned that, so when I actually experienced it for real it took a little time to sink in.

Like, all day, there are games.

{shakes head in confusion}


But then I had to come back, if only to warm up my typing muscles for My First Basketball Game. It is going to be Philadelphia against someone! And I'm in Portland, so that someone is the Blazers! Which is short for the "Trail Blazers," which I am very much hoping is the name of the team because Lewis & Clark blazed a trail back in the day. Philadelphia's team, Google tells me, is called the 76ers, which I assume is short for the "1776ers" because Philadelphia is (understandably) a little focused on our national identity. I used to work catty-corner from the Liberty Bell and across the street from Independence Hall, so I know these things.

In other words, it's the battle of two Historically Relevant Shortened names! It's gonna get REAL.
And I may live-blog it, if technology stays in my court (ha! court!), so...stay tuned. That's tomorrow night.

But today I want to talk about sporting terms I have been apparently misusing* for my entire adult life. I'm going to take the liberty of assuming that it's going to be a series.

1. I've just today learned that one does not "pitch-hit" for someone else. One "pinch-hits."
   First of all, I find that impossible to say or type; I've just mis-typed it four times as "pinch-hints." (That's what you do when the seasoning is off in your hostess' meal.)
   But more importantly, "pitch" is both a sportier term than "pinch" and also MAKES SENSE, given that what one hits IS a pitch. Not a pinch. (Unless you're me and my little brother.)
   
   This led me to wonder what other terms I've probably used incorrectly. The first that came to mind are as follows:
   
2. "Drat! Foiled again!" I've historically said this while twirling my waxed mustache to indicate that my evil plan has been thwarted, when, upon further reflection, it is obviously a fencing reference. As in, "Drat! Someone hit me with an epee!**"
3. "Batter up!" In my house, this is borrowed from diner/grandmother parlance to indicate that we're ready to make the pancakes if you're ready to eat the pancakes. When in fact, for the sporting types among us, it means that someone in baseball is ready to raise their "bat" "up."*** 
4. "Walk." Where I grew up (full disclosure: Albuquerque), this was something one did to one's dog. Where sports fans grew up, it was yet another baseball term. 
5. I think this post is mostly about baseball. That was inadvertent!
6. Dammit. That ^ wasn't actually a word I used incorrectly. It was really just a sidenote. Now you're going to think I misused five terms when in fact it was only four, so far.
7. SHIT.
8. Everybody stay calm. I'm going to just go ahead and list four other terms here, right now, and then we'll be caught up, so that when I start the next series at #9 it will be accurate. Gosh.
   Sports writing is really challenging.
   Luckily, all I need to do is Google "sports terms" to get this ball rolling. (Don't even get me STARTED on how almost all male-dominated sports are played with at least one "ball.")
   a) I take a "cue" either on stage or when it turns out that I've accidentally bothered someone and can only tell because of subtle body language, when in fact, the word refers to a long stick one uses to poke balls in pool/billiards.
   b) "Cricket" is something I feed to my daughter's gecko, when in fact, it is also a game that uses mostly baseball terminology but is played with English accents.
   c) "Garbage time," is what happens in the evening on Thursdays when my alarm dings to remind me to take out the trash before the trashmen come early Friday. BUT, like all words I use, it turns out to have a sports meaning. Research indicates that, in fact, it is to a sporting event what "lame duck" is to a presidency...the time when the outcome of the game has already been decided and continuing to show up is really just something you do because everyone expects it. (In sports, you put in your worst players. In politics, you keep everyone right where they are.)
   d) At my house, a "time-out" is what happens when a small child did something very, very bad. If said child continues to misbehave, she may then suffer a "penalty," which is a loss of a privilege. In sports, they give you a pass on that first one (a "time-out" does not mean anything has been done wrong...just that you'd like your sports fans to get to bed a little later) and go directly to the "penalty," which is usually something along the lines of not getting to play anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, that's also usually what happens to my daughter. 

There we go! Whew! I think we're caught up. See you here tomorrow for the live-blogging of what I'm sure is going to be a fabulous game played by very tall men during which I will be escorted by three extremely patient grown-ups who know more about sports than I do. 

*Sometimes I also talk about sports terms that have been misused. In this case, I think the onus is on me.

**Which I've historically mispelled in my head as "epi," as in, "Did you put peanuts in this? Better go get his epee-pen."
***Shush. I don't want to hear it. I think this is a perfectly valid interpretation.

breaking news in both baseball and football

OMG YOU GUYS, THE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES.

And they did it faster than necessary, which I think was very nice of them and also allowed all the grown-ups to go out and enjoy Halloween, so that was good.

But now that means baseball is OVER. Until, I think, spring training, which happens in the spring and is like spring cleaning but with less whacking of the rugs. I'm kidding. Nobody takes their rugs outside and hits them with sticks anymore. That's just something people did in old books I read when I was a kid. Nowadays, they use the sticks of wood to hit balls and people get really excited about it.

Thank goodness one sport has temporarily ended, though, because all of the other sports are going strong. If I'm to judge from some very reliable sports news that I get from my friend Tami, it appears that tennis is happening. I happen to know from my own self that tennis is where the pretty people go to play sports. I have talked with enough women (not Tami, specifically, gosh) who watch tennis to be moderately sure that men's tennis is women's porn. That's only because they haven't come up with a reality show in which men clean the house, but, still.

So there's tennis, and then my boyfriend said something about basketball starting up. I said, haven't we already been to a basketball game?, the one where we met all your friends from basketball?, and he was like, no, that was a hockey game. In my defense, we were in a fancy box that was way in the sky, and also I wasn't watching.

By the way, I apparently misquote people all the time, so you should know that if anyone mentioned in this blog is wrong about something, it's probably because I wasn't paying the degree of attention that I should have been.

And then there's FOOTBALL, which is STILL GOING, and apparently will be happening every hour of every day until the Superbowl, which I know for a FACT takes place in either January or February, and is written in Roman numerals. I honestly don't understand how people manage to find the time to watch football. I can't find the time to watch Castle, which is on for one hour per week, most weeks, and while I have yet to look up the actual hours of football broadcast, I know that it happens more than there are hours in the day because of something I have heard of called simul-casting.

I try to pay attention to one hour of football per week, for parity with my other TV-watching, and so I paid attention to bits of the Northwestern game in between naps. This weekend they played another N-team and the good N-team (purple) was winning for most of the game but then at the absolute last SECOND, the bad N-team (red) won, which I can only assume was insanely thrilling for all of the red-N-folks but moderately devastating for the purple-N-folks.

You're going to learn a lot about Northwestern if you read this blog, because that's where my boyfriend went to school. He's not particularly passionate about professional football except for the fantasy football, which is another topic altogether, and which we will save for next time.

up = ahead / x < 1 = more than you'd think

My boyfriend: "So, you like the Sox for tonight?"
Me: *looks down at his feet*

In sports, when you say "up," you mean "ahead" or "leading" or "having a higher score." They use the term "up" because it's so short and perky (LIKE ME!), not because it means that anything has gone into the air. Maybe the ball, but that's not what they mean.
**THEORY: I wonder whether syllables are in high demand when discussing sports, so that you don't waste time using longer words when shorter ones will suffice, meaning that you miss fewer important activities. Let's keep an eye on that.**

Ortiz is having a fantastic World Series. Adults and small children alike are all in awe of him (credit: my Facebook feed). That's what I know for sure.
I'm going to give you some more, probably correct information. He's a male (a little light profiling: he plays on a professional baseball team) and possibly Hispanic (a little light profiling: his last name). He plays for - wait for it! - either the Cardinals or the Sox. So there, sports world. This ain't so hard.

The way that we know that he's doing well is that his batting average is high. Adorably, people in sports consider numbers less than 1 to be high.
**free advice: There are SO MANY numbers! Numbers are like words, only when I say the possibilities are infinite, you may take me literally. Please consider using numbers commensurate with the point you are trying to make.**

Baseball aficionados would like you to think that the minuscule number situation is a statistical one. I have no idea what to tell you about that because, while highly intelligent in other ways, I do not have a mind for statistics. Anyone who sat next to me in STATS 280 in college can attest. That class was nicknamed "STATS 2 EASY" because it was a joke...to everyone but me.

Regardless, I *do* understand percentages. If they're going to use numbers below 1, it had darn well better be because you're planning to turn it into a percentage. .75 doesn't sound nearly as good as 75%. Although, to be fair, even in percentages, 75% is still a "C." This might be my opening to make a joke about athletes and school grades, but on second thought, that's probably not very nice. A "C" is fine, I guess, sure, if that's what you're going for. But is it THE BEST GRADE EVER?

In baseball, apparently so. Ortiz is the honors student of sports right now. Kudos, sir!

win, lose, draw

So, a few days ago I said I didn't like a guy and then apparently I jinxed him.
(Peavy, I'm sorry. For the record, I only said that thing about you because my manager had been feeding me lines for flirting with my boyfriend. I actually couldn't pick you out of a lineup. Now you can go take that information and do better next time, OK?)

In other news, I have learned that when you have a tied game in baseball, they don't let it end that way. They go into overtime, which in baseball is called "extra innings." Each team tries and tries and tries until finally one of them wins. Extra points for determination!

I learned what it was called because I asked the question. You see, Game 3 of the World Series was tied the one time I checked the score. My awareness of a score always strikes me as earth-shattering enough that it's probably cemented right then and there, as if the Gods of Sports saw me coming and decreed that No More Time Shall Pass.

Tied games are particularly tough for people who don't like sports because it means that the people you love who care are probably pissed off (a tie doesn't make ANYONE happy, no matter how many times I point out that it's kind of like we all learned how to get along) and also...and this is noticeably worse...because the game may CONTINUE LONG PAST ITS SCHEDULED TIME.

No one watches TV on a schedule anymore, so this is not quite as upsetting as it was back in the day when my shows would get preempted because SOME GUY didn't perform quite as well as, let's face it, he should have, and now I don't get to watch Mad About You tonight.
But still, it takes longer.

Speaking of performance, why is it referred to as "performance anxiety" in both sports and sex, but as "stage fright" in other performance-based scenarios? This is an excellent case of sports using words poorly. A sport is not technically a "performance," nor is (done correctly) sex. That seems odd and kind of backwards. There are numerous other cases of words being used wrong in sports but if I listed them all here I'd have nothing to talk about later. We wouldn't want that.


UPDATE: The Cardinals won that game. Game 3. So that means they were winning, 2-1, at that juncture. At some point we will discuss when they play where and why. I just have to research this, first, because from where I sit it seems somewhat arbitrary.


UPDATE THE SECOND: The Red Sox won Game 4. I thought I should include that in case you were getting your World Series update news from me, which of course you are. Which means that they ARE NOW TIED! 
Boom. 
Shout-out to the Sox for allowing me to wrap up this post in a nice little tie-related bow.

let's make this a thing

So, two of the people who noticed my Facebook summation of Things I Know In Sports thought I should do this sort of a write-up regularly. One of those people was my boyfriend, but the takeaway here is that ONE OF THEM WASN'T. There's so much sports knowledge in the world, and it's about time that we hear about what's happening from people who don't have a clue. I'm that people.

Right now (ish, not "right now this minute," please stop being so literal) the World Series is on.
St. Louis has the Cardinals, who are called "the Cards" if you know what you're talking about, and Boston has the Red Sox, who are, I'm not sure...called...maybe (?) The Sox but there's another Sox team and I'm not quite sure which one locked in that nickname. This is only part of why sports is so hard for some people to understand.

**free advice: NAME YOUR TEAMS DIFFERENT NAMES. This goes for you, too, hockey. There are so many words in the world, you guys. If you don't know what they are, you can talk to me.**

This World Series is the most important event in baseball, where the people who won one side of things play the people who won the other side of things. It's like the Superbowl for baseball, except it takes place over the course of maybe a week and no one throws any parties and there are no commercials beyond the regular ones.

**showcase idea: WORLD SERIES COMMERCIALS! Let's get on this, folks!**

Unlike the Superbowl, which is just one game, the World Series is a Series of games from around the World. Hee, hee...I'm kidding about that last part. I think it's just from this country. Pretty sure. Anyway, best of seven. Which means the first person to win four games wins. If you don't like sports, this means you're rooting for someone to win four in a row so it can be over faster. If you DO like sports, this means you want to see your favorite team start to win and then not so much and then come back at the end to win Game 7, because that way you get to watch more sports and also it means you get to root for the underdog for at least a little while, which is the point of sports.

Speaking of The Point Of Sports, it is this: to feel as if you've come from behind.
"Underdog" is a term used for the person or team who is less good than the better team. I'm not sure whether other countries want to root for the underdog. I guess if you're England or Rome, you probably want to root for the team that was all set to win the whole damn thing and then lost miserably but still has good merchandising and is popular. If you're America, you want to root for the people who started from nothing and overcame the team with the best merchandising. It's ALWAYS better to come from behind and win than come from ahead and lose. Technically, this is true in all venues, not just sports, but sports is the place where people go to be open about this goal (or lack of a goal).

What I think we should all remember, then, is that losing is a really good long-term plan, because it means you are all set to overcome, eventually. Theoretically. Maybe. And, like sports, the longer you go without winning, the more rabid your fanbase will become.

(Sorry. That last part's not technically true, unless your fanbase is your mom.)

Unrelated: I am a little nervous about Jake Peavy starting tonight for the Sox. But don't tell HIM that. I wouldn't want him to be uncomfortable.

...and that's all, folks!

The University of Oregon Ducks are a football team, and their only real rival is Alabama, but they don't get to play them unless they go to the nationals (?) and the only team in their half (?) of the league (?) that they are worried about is Stanford, but that would make you think they would be second-best when in point of fact they are currently ranked third because Florida State beat Clemson, and this is college ball, not professional which is called the NFL and Boston and St. Louis are playing the second game of the World Series and Boston won first but right now the Cardinals are winning except that just changed which tells me that the bruised ribs are not so bad and Chicago won the Stanley cup recently, Boston was robbed, 17 seconds, and there are two hockey teams that are both called the Hawks and Martina Navratilova is a lesbian which no one used to know and that other guy has a super bad temper and sometimes threw his racket, and the Red Sox are saying to "fear the beard" which even I know they stole that from Brian Wilson, who is both a beach boy and also an injured pitcher who is playing in Albuquerque and being sort of a dick to his fans who are fans of the Isotopes but used to be the Dukes and are a feeder (?) team for the Dodgers who were at one point in LA but may have changed. 

(whew) There's all my sports knowledge. I thought I should share in case you didn't know as much as I do.